I’ve been trying mightily to distract myself from everything Terminator with no success whatsoever.
Waking and sleeping, I’m thinking about him, remembering him, longing for him. The sound of his voice does something metaphysical to me that I can’t explain. I can barely admit to myself what is going on.
We haven’t seen each other but we speak every other day or so…and I see the yawning chasm of a relationship opening up before me. I hate and love it, and every time I’ve tried to put another dick between me and the situation at hand, it hasn’t worked out.
It’s hard for me to have any kind of confidence that these feelings could lead to anything that ends well, which is why I’m fighting it so hard. It’s my own insecurity. And let’s face it, incredulity.
I feel as if I’m being carried by a current, flailing to steady myself, and he is already there on the other side, calmly waiting to catch me and pull me out. In other words, he’s there, he’s just waiting for me to make my way. And I feel crazy for feeling this. How can this be? How did this happen?? I was just minding my own business.
He is trying hard to become friends, which delights and infuriates me. He has stopped the fuck-fest cold, even though we had agreed to go on as before, but we are getting to know each other and have a few hours-long conversations, but he’s being elusive. I’m pissed and impressed and a little jealous, but really, I know that nothing and no one that crosses his path can even approach our heat and intensity. He has said as much more than once. We are in another dimension.
Yeah it bothers me thinking about him with other women, (he denies there are hoardes of them) but I know deep down there is no comparison. Not because I’m so hot or fantastic, but because together we are…beyond belief.
I must admit its almost impossible to have a conversation when we’re alone together, so the phone is the best alternative right now but I am suffering deprivation. If I hadn’t been celibate for so long I would suffer the drought (a couple of weeks?) in silence but I don’t want to. I connected with a very hot very nasty guy online and the chemistry over the phone is super hot already. We’re having coffee in the morning to see if the chemistry is there in person. I’m cautiously optimistic.