I just spoke to the Terminator for the first time since that argument and I’m so unexpectedly emotional that I have to write here and sort things out. Since we argued and made up (via email) we communicate the same way and he’s tried to set up a tryst twice, but I haven’t been able to get away.
Today, for the second time, he actually rang me, and for the second time, I missed the call. Last time (more than a week ago) I was asleep, and when I called back the next day there was (as usual) no answer. This time, mid-afternoon, I was taking a post-workout shower. He actually left a message this time in which he sounded kind of annoyed…it was funny to hear him — he is not used voice mail, and it irked him that here he was for the second time. As soon as I was dressed I called him back, and we had a great talk, over an hour, about everything.
The thing is, I can’t stop crying. Weeping. And I get it. I love him. Seriously love him. And nothing can come of it. What I don’t get is where the emotion comes from. But does it matter? It’s there.
When the talk finally got around to feelings, he says “Is there anything you want to ask me that you haven’t asked me?” I think that this is an odd way of bringing the feelings into the discussion, but I go ahead. “How do you feel about me — us — everything? Please be honest.”
“I’m not emotionally available right now for a lot of reasons — the past, and the life I’m leading, but I really like you, I enjoy spending time with you. I enjoy you.”
Not what I wanted, but it aligned with his behavior. However, a total change from when we first had this discussion. But honest. I think.
Then I ask him if there’s anything he wants to ask me, and he asks me the same question. What my feelings are.
I don’t remember my exact words…but they were kind of “removed” from my emotions. I described my feelings without getting into detail and said that regardless, I was enjoying him and our time together without expectations…but his reaction was…
“Wow, that was a politician’s answer,” he said.
“What? What does that mean? You think I’m lying?” I’m all surprised and offended. A politician?
“No I mean,” (he explains) that you answered the question like a politician. You said everything without saying anything.”
Ouch. But wait, why is he all getting on my case when according to him he has no feelings, or is “not available” or whatever, so what does he care?
“I’m offended,” I said playfully.
“I was wondering how you were going to answer this, that you could get emotional, but knowing you, I should have known you would have answered the way you did.”
What the hell? Seriously??? Am I supposed to hang myself out to dry for him for some reason? Isn’t it enough that I can’t give him up?
Regardless of all the incontrovertible facts before me, and the suspicion that there is someone in his life, I can’t help the way I feel. I wish I could remove it, like a tumor…