The end of the year approaches, and I can honestly say I did what I set out to do in my personal life this year, which was to CHANGE EVERYTHING. I had had enough of celibacy, fear and self-doubt and had gotten to the point where it was scarier to remain as I was than to make a change. I made changes in my work life, I started working out and I got naked in front of strange men. It was FABULOUS. And here’s the thing about fear: if you pretend its not there and act despite it, eventually you do overcome it. Same with confidence. Pretend you have it until it shows up.
After almost a decade alone, this year I’ve had a little bit of everything, romance, assholery, unbridled passion, love and affection and companionship, all without really planning it, just doing what feels right in the moment. It has been all joy and learning (even the tears), with love, lust and friendship all playing a part. But it was just a prelude. I’ve conquered the fear and now I’m learning to use my new skills, and discovering what I want and how I want it (sex. as often as possible).
My four-month relationship with J. taught me that spectacular sexuality is possible within a relationship and that with the right man, it may be possible to um… “settle down.” I like being in a couple after all this time. If I meet another guy who is relationship material, I will not go exclusive before I’ve known him at least four to six months. New rule.
I still have a lot to learn and to experience. I was planning on taking a dating break for a couple of months while I devoted time to other areas of my life, but I’m not sure. I want to go off line and start meeting people in real life. We shall see. I’m still recuperating from surgery and after that November will be very busy with a work project so again, I will go with the flow.
To every woman out there over 40 who is carrying a few extra pounds and thinks it’s all over because of her age and/or size; who is afraid of taking a risk: get over yourself and get out there. In the words of one of my favorite fictional characters, Auntie Mame: “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.”
Like Mame, I plan to die with no regrets.
Image: photo by Carmela Nava, Flickr Creative Commons CCO