The Pussy Renovation

The Pussy Renovation

Menorrhagia is ancient Greek for angry uterus. No no, I’m joking, its the medical term for uncontrolled vaginal bleeding, which is why I had surgery last month.

Depending on the cause, there are several treatments starting with hormones, birth control and several different kinds of surgery. Because I’m 48, sick of periods and not having any more children, I chose to have a partial hysterectomy. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

I’m not advocating my surgery for every woman with this problem, but I do think that if you’re a woman suffering from crazy periods and your ladyparts are significantly affecting the way you live your life (as in missing work, social engagements or other obligations) you should know that you have options and you should look into them. Women don’t talk enough to each other about these things and that has to stop.

When I complained to the ladies at my knitting group that I had been bleeding for a month and I couldn’t stand it anymore, most of them looked at me as if I was crazy (she said blood!) but one woman said, “Oh my God, ME TOO!!!”  And thanks to me being inappropriate, this woman is now under a doctor’s care and examining her options. Ladies, you don’t have to suffer the hormonal insanity that strikes as you near menopause. Really.

Held hostage (no beach, no dance class, no sex!!! no energy) by the monster period that wouldn’t end for approximately a month, I knew I had to go to the doctor, but I was dreading all the biopsies and tests to come, because the same thing had happened a year ago and doctors found nothing wrong (good) and wanted me to take birth control pills (bad). I refused. It became a moot point because it stopped and then I went back to my regular periods.

Then in the middle of July the crazy started again, stopped for the first week in August (my birthday, so I was able to get laid) and then started again without stopping (except for a few days here and there) until right before I had surgery on September 26.  The tests I had all came back negative, but they did find a tiny fibroid; there was no explanation for the disturbingly heavy flow of blood except for “well, you’re at that age…”

After going through my options with my gynecologist I decided to have a partial hysterectomy and I could not be happier. No more periods, ever!! I had my uterus (which produces your period) removed along with my cervix (because at this point it’s just a cancer risk) and the fallopian tubes (ditto). I still have my ovaries so I still have all the girly hormones and won’t need to take estrogen or anything. Even better, my surgeon (I call her Wonder Woman) was able to remove them through my vagina without making any external incisions, so no scars!  I was in the hospital overnight and I have two more weeks to go before I can work out strenuously and have sex. I feel great and wish I had done this ages ago. And as a bonus I lost 10 pounds after the surgery, though I don’t look it because I’ve lost my muscle definition.

Of course I was worried about sex and how this would affect my sexual response, especially since in the last six months I’ve become incredibly orgasmic. Two weeks after the procedure (don’t do this at home) I spent the weekend with J. and we fooled around and I was able to get aroused and felt my response to be the same although there was no penetration and no orgasm because I was afraid. Three weeks later we progressed (I insisted) to anal (again, you shouldn’t do this, I did because I’m a horndog and because I was going to the doctor a couple of days later) because vaginal sex was still off limits and I had a perfectly fantastic vaginal orgasm, so I knew that everything was in working order, thank goodness. And thank you, Dr. Wonder Woman, for giving me my pussy back. She won’t be wasted.

Image: Wonder Woman inked drawing, ©DC Comics. No infringement intended.

 

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