The Tears

The Tears

I will be fine for long stretches. Happy with my relationship with Mr. Jones, happy with everything, and then it hits me like a rogue wave out of nowhere — an intense, visceral twisting stab of longing. Longing so strong it sometimes leaves me out of breath or in tears or both.

I’ve had to stop myself many, many times from writing him and telling him about Mr. Jones, that I have permission now, so to speak. Why do I stop? Because if I do this, it will irrevocably damage my relationship. When Mr. Jones gave me a pass, he wanted to make things easier for me, but when I questioned him about it…it would tear him up inside, and I don’t want to do that to him. And my feelings for Terminator are not minor. Emotions would intensify and complicate things, so…no.

But sometime I am hit by a flashback — our last time, we’re panting, sweaty, fused together, his hot breath on my neck, his cock so deep inside it hurts, and the our eyes meet. That kiss. Jesus, that kiss. And I am destroyed.

Image: La Bacchante by Gustave Courbet [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons



  • Anonymous

    February 11, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    I look forward to your writing. I think many different people define love differently. Is it a feeling? is it actions? is it connecting? or honesty? or commitment ? Or ? How many times has this exchange taken place after a blowup between a couple " how could you ……I thought you loved me!?… what? ….but I do love you!.. No you don't ! Because you … and thats not love to me !&

  • Ms. Behaves

    February 10, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    You ask a good question, and one I will post about in the future. My feelings for both men are completely separate; my feelings for one don&#39;t affect the other because they are very different. But yes, I would classify them both as love.<br />My feelings for Terminator are the kind of intense immediate emotion that I have a pattern of falling into and that has been unhealthy for me in the past

  • Anonymous

    February 7, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    I was sorry for the tears. Sorry for both you and J that you still had desires/needs for T. However, let me ask you something beyond sex – something more difficult to write about. What does &quot;in love&quot; mean to you? How do you define loving someone or being loved in a male female relationship. is it exclusive in that sense, can you be in love with more than one man at a time? Is sex

  • Ms. Behaves

    February 1, 2013 at 1:26 am

    Don&#39;t be sorry for J and I, we&#39;re happy and we&#39;re in love. Sex and emotions are hard to separate, but my problem is accepting that Terminator and I won&#39;t work for various reasons, despite the amazing sexual connection.

  • Anonymous

    January 21, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Sex and emotions are hard to separate. Casual sex is not so casual all the time. Sorry for you and sorry for &quot;J&quot;. I also suspect, even if you move on -beyond T and J, that this kind of issue will come up again for you. Sampling all the candy in the store is an amazing experience yes? but it makes it hard to choose (settle for) just one kind?

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