The Hobbled Trifecta


I’m not sure what gets said about dating over 40 because I hate bullshit dating advice articles or columns. After a lifetime of twisting myself into pleasing forms for various men, my only advice is BE YOURSELF.  A person who sees you and knows you as you truly are and loves you that way is what everyone should have in their life. Of course, if you’re an asshole, you’re gonna wind up alone no matter what.
Having said that I wanted to mention the inordinate amount of physically uh…challenged men that I heard from when I first signed on to online sites.  For a while I was like, ok I only wanna hear from guys 30 – 40 because DAMN, these 40+ guys are all suffering from some shit, and I’m trying to have fun, not be a f*king nurse.
There was the guy on disability who had some kind of old work injury who was in constant back, arm and neck pain, but nevertheless was looking for love online and hoped I wouldn’t be turned off.  Uh-huh.  Then the guy with the super athletic pics, athletic bod who was having surgery the week I called him. Uh, buh-bye. AND the guy who is super-horny but suffering from a heart condition that requires medication and monitoring. OH and the guy who is a war veteran (kudos of course) but has some sort of injury he can’t explain for which he needs therapy three times a week. WHAT?
I wish all these guys the best and I’m sure they’ll find what they’re looking for, but not me, not now.  And  to guys everywhere….get some exercise, eat a vegetable go to the doctor once a year at least, huh? 40-something is way too young to be falling apart, dudes.

All to the G…

If the rest of my dating life were to include only experiences like G., I wouldn’t exactly be upset. Well except for the withdrawal. G. withdrawal is a bitch, but not as bad as it could have been.
Insert nostalgic sigh here.
The sigh isn’t even completely about his oral talents, which — Lord in heaven have mercy — are formidable, it’s also about his penchant for romantic gestures, his sense of romance, his intellect, sense of humor, and sweetness. And DAMN, he could give oral…but I digress.
I had been talking to a couple of guys who had all managed to  annoy the shit out of me before we even met, so I found myself trolling profiles one night, wondering what to do. Until this point, I had not reached out to any guys online, only responded to those who had approached me. Then I came across a pic of this guy, salt-n- pepper hair, at a bar or someplace with his companions cropped out (I hate those pics). He looked like he was up to no good. I laughed. Then I read his profile and it was so funny (no I’m not going to quote it) that I was laughing out loud and just had to drop him a line casually inviting him to get in touch with me. Then I continued reading his profile, paying attention to questions he had answered in general and saw that we had a LOT of sexual compatibility. I hadn’t answered the questions, so I went down the list and answered all the relevant ones, the whole time thinking WTF am I doing, I’m supposedly looking for a long-term relationship. Whatever this guy was, he wasn’t long-term material, I knew it from the get-go. But I didn’t care.  Insert horny laugh.
We bonded over a marathon phone call during which we discussed everything including my incipient sexual freakishness. There were things I wanted to explore and he wanted to be my guide so to speak.
In 48 hours G. had me thinking I could be in love with him, which is the mark of an experienced seducer. Again, I didn’t care, I was in the moment, enjoying the round the clock texting, the constant calls, the intelligent conversation and romance (those two rarely come together and when they do, panties off!).  Our first meeting was out of a movie. Flowers, a book, a French bistro, decadent food, an amazing bottle of wine and lots of kisses and canoodling. Afterwards we took a meandering walk around the neighborhood with lots of pauses in dark corners for hot kisses and whispers of sweet and nasty things. One. more. sigh…..
The few days (four? five?) until our next meeting seemed interminable but when I finally landed on his bed…Lord Jesus (do I blaspheme?). It was like he was worshipping me, exploring me and debauching me all at once. Did I fuck his face? Yes I did.  Every woman should experience that before she dies.
If I had written the script for the encounter that ended my sexual drought, it couldn’t have been more perfect. A guy who totally romanced me; sex with all the modern twists — porn, toys,  and a camera. I caught him filming me blow him, and made him delete it. “But you look so hot,” he protested.
The purple vibrator made me laugh but didn’t arouse me at all — it was actually annoying. I told him he should have waited for me to buy a toy but he had wanted to surprise me. He certainly did. He also set the bar high. I mean how many of your former lovers would have bought you a vibrator as a surprise, and then used it on you?  Exactly.
It’s possible that there’s video of me at some point during the weekend but I don’t care. Sex is the most beautiful and most normal thing in the world. What’s the problem?
Image: ©Greg Eckler via lettercult.com No infringement intended.

A Word to Dudes Online-Give a Girl a Break!

Dating at mid-life is difficult enough. When you add the online component, it can become its own circle of hell. It’s not that there is no happy to be found, but the sheer volume of insanity that you must muck through to find it is beyond daunting. Especially, if like me, you hate dating in the first place. It’s online dating and it could be worse. But holy crap.
If the downside is the volume of crazy, the upside is that you get to cut off most of the crazy in without having to wear heels or leave your house. So there’s that. It helps to keep positive, take nothing personally and have a sense of humor.
It’s online dating and it could be worse. But holy crap. You men out there need to get a grip.
Guys, really??!!! You think that baseball cap is a youthful alternative to a bald spot? Sideways? Backwards? In words I never use…please, STOP. Not only do men older than 12 look idiotic in baseball caps, the cap throws a shadow over your face making your ugly mugs look scarier and more nefarious. Stop with the caps guys, please. We all know you’re bald under there and we don’t care. All we wanna know is if you have a 401K and can you keep it up longer than a minute.
And to the married guys…yeah, we know who you are,  and you’re not fooling anyone. Why is your profile pic in a bathroom? Is that somehow supposed to be sexy? Are you trying to impress us with your tile work?  No, it’s  so your wife won’t catch your cheating ass posting a profile on a dating site. Get out of the basement, the attic, the bathroom and the closet guys, before we GPS your ass and mail your wife your profile, ok?A word about undershirts gentlemen. Unless you look like the photo above when shirtless, you should not be photographing yourself in anything other than a t-shirt or button-down shirt. I don’t care how toned your biceps are, or how many wrestling awards you won in high school. It’s 2012 and you need to put a goddamn shirt on, because really unless you spend 2 hours a day at the gym, you need to cover it up.
Oh and the only one impressed by the car, boat, motorcycle or other moving vehicle in your pic is you. We think it’s nice you can afford one in this day an age, but we’d rather see you up close than straddling some machine we don’t give a fuck about.
And lastly — update your damn pictures. Guys, what’s with these friggin’ pics from 20 years ago? Who cares you were hot in 1987?  You expect me to sit down and talk with a guy who looks like the father of the dude I emailed? I don’t think so. Does that make me shallow? No, it makes you a lying douche bag.

Image credit: close-up of photo of actor Gilles Marini. Probably a publicity shot © unconfirmed, no infringement intended.
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